The Princess Edd
by E1craZ4life
Summary: His true love is killed, and he is forced into an unwilling marriage. What challenges must be endured by Eddward Vincent if he is to escape the clutches of a merciless prince? And who, if anyone, is there that can help him? (EEnE version of The Princess Bride)
1. Prologue

**The Princess Edd**  
Prologue

* * *

Snow came down hard on the tiny Peach Creek town. Kids frolicked about, riding down hills in sleds, making snowmen, engaging snowball fights with one another. The fact that school was cancelled for the day was a moot point for one boy; he had come down with chickenpox the day before and was in bed playing video games.

"I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time." A devilish smile rotated onto the screen. "Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate **past** president of the Being Alive Club. Ha ha."

There was a knock on the door, and two people stepped into the room, prompting the boy to pause the game. One was a woman with a mess of curly red hair covering her eyes, the other a man of average stature and a fairly flat head.

"Hi, honey."

"Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad."

The mother sat on the bed and massaged the boy's forehead. "Feeling better?"

"A little bit."

"Guess what?" The father smiled.

"What?"

"Your Aunt Marie and Uncle D are here."

The boy moaned. "Dad, can't you tell them I'm sick?"

"You're sick?" The mother laughed. "That's why they're here."

"Aunt Marie will rustle my hair," the boy moaned. "I hate that!"

The father shrugged. "Maybe she won't."

On that note, two more people slipped into the room. One of them was a man with a beanie on his head and a present in his hand. The other was a woman with bluish-purple hair and earrings with black gemstones.

"Hey!" the two greeted in unison.

Aunt Marie leaned toward the boy. "How's the sickie, huh?"

The boy sighed as Aunt Marie's hand went through his hair.

The mother sat in front of the window with her husband, while the two new arrivals made room for another married couple: a blonde woman and a large mono-browed man.

"Aunt May? Uncle Ed?"

The new arrivals smiled and sat down in front of the closet, while Uncle D and Aunt Marie approached the foot of the bed.

Uncle D gave his nephew the present. "We brought you a special present."

"What is it?"

Aunt May smiled. "Open it up."

The boy complied and was presented with... "A book?"

"That's right." Uncle D smiled. "When I was your age, I loved to read books."

Uncle Ed nodded. "And this is a special book."

The father took the book and passed it to Uncle D. "It's a book we all wrote together about our adventures and how we all came together."

Uncle D nodded. "And today, we're going to read it to you."

"Has it got any sports in it?"

His father laughed. "Are you kidding? Fencing..."

Uncle Ed smiled. "...fighting..."

His wife spoke up. "...torture..."

The mother joined in. "...revenge..."

Uncle Ed spoke again. "...giants..."

Uncle D added to the list. "...monsters..."

His wife took part. "...chases..."

The father rejoined the chorus. "...escapes..."

Aunt Marie again. "...true love..."

Aunt May finished off. "...miracles..."

The boy shrugged and turned off the TV. "It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake."

Uncle D brought the book open to the first page. "Oh, well, thank you very much. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming." He turned on the lamp on top of the TV behind him. " _The Princess Edd: An Autobiographical Ed-venture..._ "


	2. Introduction

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter One

* * *

Eddward Marion Vincent lived on a small farm with his mother and father in the country of Peach Creek. His favorite pastimes were riding his motorcycle and tormenting his father's mistress who worked there. Her name was Marie Kanker, but he never called her that. _{"Isn't that a wonderful beginning?" "Yeah, it's really good."}_ Nothing gave Edd as much pleasure as ordering Marie around.

"Mistress?" Edd parked outside the barn where Marie was gathering eggs from the chickens. "Polish my motorcycle; I wish to see my face shining in it by morning."

She stood straight and turned to face the sock-headed boy. "As you wish."

 _As you wish_ was all he ever heard from her. This routine continued for many days, until Edd made a grand discovery.

Edd rode up to Marie, who was busy chopping logs for firewood. "Mistress?" He brought two buckets off of his motorcycle, one in each hand. "Go and milk the cows. Please?"

Marie set down the axe against a tree. "As you wish."

That day, he was amazed to discover that when she said _As you wish_ , what she was really saying was _I love you_. And even more amazing was the day he realized that he truly loved her back.

"Mistress?" Edd appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Could you fetch me my shoeshine from the sink cabinet?"

Marie set down the turkey baster next to the turkey being basted and complied with her true love's request. "As you wish."

The tin can passed toward Edd, whose fingers meshed with those of Marie's. The sensation they felt was like nothing they had experienced before. The two of them began to swoon, holding each other for support, their faces coming together at the lips,-

 _"Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where are the sports?" The boy folded his arms. "Is this a kissing book?"_

 _Aunt Marie smiled. "Wait. Just wait."_

 _"When does it get good?"_

 _His father motioned to him. "Keep your shirt on; let Uncle D read to you."_

 _Uncle D flipped ahead a few pages..._

It had been two years since Marie and Edd realized the true love between them. Marie had no money for marriage, so she packed her few belongings and left the farm to seek her fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Edd, seeing Marie off at the airport. _{"I don't believe this!"}_

"I fear I'll never see you again." His arms clung onto Marie like a snake's coils.

"Of course you will."

"But what if something happens to you?"

She held him by his shoulders. "Hear this now: I will always come for you."

"But how can you be so sure?"

"This is true love; do you think this happens every day?"

Edd smiled as he realized that Marie had a point.

As she picked up her suitcases and entered the terminal, neither of them could've known that Marie would never reach her destination. Her flight was attacked by the Dread Pilot Roberts, a sky criminal who sent planes to a watery grave and never left captives alive. When Edd got the news that Marie's plane had crashed, _{"Killed in a plane crash is good."}_ he went into his room and shut the door, and for days, he neither slept nor ate.

"I will never love again," he vowed to himself.


	3. Engagement

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Two

* * *

Five years later, the main square of Peach Creek city was filled as never before to hear the announcement from the great prince, Kevin Barr, of his bride-to-be. The sound of trumpets silenced the crowd as Kevin emerged on the balcony with his mother, his father, and his chief adviser Rolf, standing behind him.

Kevin raised his hand to silence the assembly. "My people! A month from now, our country will have its 300th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her 'common' now. Would you like to meet her?"

The people responded with an roaring "YES!"

"My people,..." Kevin gestured toward the entrance opposite his balcony, "the princess... Deedee!"

The people turned around to behold the figure emerging from the entrance, clad in a flowing white gown adorned with jewelry. Edd's emptiness consumed him, for although the law of the land gave Kevin the right to choose his bride, he did not love him back.

Despite Kevin's reassurances that Edd would grow to love him, the only joy he found was in his nightly motorcycle ride. For ten days, he rode about the winding roads at night, waiting desperately for something that would break him out of a marriage with Kevin.

On the tenth day, a roadside spectacle caught his attention. A red pickup truck with flashing hazard lights was being pushed down the road by a large man with one eyebrow and large quantities of flesh upon his body. Sitting in the truck bed was a stout man with three large hairs on his head chewing a wad of gum. And at the wheel was a bald man with a large head and a wooden board in one hand.

The driver called out to Edd, who stopped his motorcycle as the mono-browed one stopped pushing the truck. "A word, kind sir? We seem to have run dry on our gas supply. You wouldn't happen to know where we can find a gas station?"

Edd shook his head. "Not nearby; there's not much of anything for miles."

A smile spread across the bald one's face as the mono-browed one approached Edd. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream."

Before Edd could do so, the mono-browed one snapped his neck, rendering him unconscious. The stout one hopped out of the truck bed and got in the passenger seat, while the mono-browed one loaded Edd into the back seat and took the last empty seat for himself. Before the doors closed, the bald one threw a yellow jacket out the window next to Edd's motorcycle.

With that, he started the truck and drove off to the small airport north of the city.

The stout one looked to the driver. "What was that that you threw out the window?"

"It was a jacket from the uniform of an army officer of Lemon Brook."

The mono-browed one was confused. "Who's Lemon Brook?"

"The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Peach Creek."

No one spoke further until the group reached the airport. A small plane with a skydiving hatch was waiting for them. They parked their truck, escorted their cargo to the airplane, and got ready for takeoff. As they taxied out, the bald one checked his watch.

"It shouldn't be too long before the prince goes looking for his bride. Once he finds his motorcycle, the jacket will make him suspect the Lemon Brookers have abducted his love. When he finds his body dead on the Lemon Brook frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed."

The mono-browed one was shocked. "You never said anything about killing anyone."

"I've hired you to help me start a war; it's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition."

"I just don't think it's right to kill an innocent person."

The plane jerked to a stop at the foot of the runway as the bald one whipped around to look at the back seat. "Am I going mad? Or did the word _think_ escape your lips?! You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!"

Eddy spoke up from the copilot's seat. "I agree with Ed."

"Oh, the sod has spoken! What happens to him is not truly your concern; I will kill him. And remember this; NEVER forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!" The bald one returned to Ed. "And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were?! Unemployed in Canada?!"

There was a moment of silence before Eddy turned to Ed. "I tell you, Jonny sure can _fuss_."

Ed pondered this. "Do you think he likes to scream at _us_?"

Eddy shrugged. "Well, I'm sure he means no _harm_."

"But he's very short on _charm_."

"You have a great gift for rhyme."

Ed laughed. "Yes, some of the time."

Jonny snapped his head back. "Enough of that!"

Ed reached down. "You dropped your hat."

The now conscious Edd put it back on his head as Jonny pushed the throttles forward.

Eddy looked out his window as the plane started down the runway. "Hey, Ed, is there a storm ahead?"

"If there is, we'll all be dead."

Jonny pulled his control column back as he turned his head around. "No more rhymes now! I mean it!"

He had barely touched the landing gear lever before he heard "Anybody want a peanut?"

He snapped the landing gear lever up with a frustrated scream.


	4. Skyride

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Three

* * *

It was 4:46 AM, and the plane was cruising at 6,000 feet above the Peach Creek channel. Ed had fallen asleep shortly after takeoff and hadn't woken up since.

Jonny checked the time on his watch. "We'll reach the cliffs by dawn." He noticed that Eddy was looking intensely at the collision avoidance radar. "Why are you doing that?"

"I'm making sure nobody's following us."

Jonny scoffed. "That would be inconceivable."

Edd turned away from the back window to look at Jonny. "Despite what you think, you will be caught, and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged."

Jonny scoffed again. "Of all the necks on this plane, Highness, the one you should be worried about is your own." He saw Eddy resume his attention to the collision avoidance radar. "Stop doing that. We can all relax; it's almost over."

"Are you sure nobody's following us?"

"As I told you, that would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. Nobody in Lemon Brook knows what we've done, and nobody from Peach Creek could've gotten here so fast." He checked his instruments to confirm that they were on course and had enough fuel to reach their landing spot before returning his attention to Eddy. "Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

Eddy shrugged. "No reason. I just happened to look at the radar and saw something behind us."

"What?" Jonny took off his headset and climbed out of his seat to look out the back window, leaving Eddy to fly the plane.

Through the back window on his right, he could see several specks of red, green, and white light, some of which were flashing. There was no question that the lights were mounted to an airplane.

Jonny laughed nervously. "Probably just a... corporate pilot... out for a pleasure flight... at night... over water... through eagle-infested skies."

Without warning, explosive winds rushed through the cabin, scattering anything loose in the airplane. It quickly became clear that when no one was looking, Edd had opened the skydiving door which the three men (or at least Jonny) had planned to use to drop Edward onto the cliffs.

"What the - " Jonny grabbed a seat to steady himself, "Go! Get after him!" He pointed at Edd, who was hanging partway out the door trying to signal to the other plane, which was maneuvering to the other side of Jonny's plane.

Eddy was fixated on flying the plane. "I'm flying here!"

Ed held his hands to his chest. "I only hang glide."

Jonny grabbed the seat tighter and screamed in frustration. "Veer left!"

Eddy turned to the right.

"Left!" Jonny pointed in the other direction. "LEFT!"

Eddy reversed the roll, putting Edd in less danger of falling out the open door. But a much bigger danger presented itself in the form of shrill noises growing ever so loud, rivaling the noise of the rushing wind and the plane's engines.

"Do you know what that sound is, Highness?" Jonny knew that Edd was between a rock and a hard place. "Those are the shrieking eagles! If you don't believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh!"

In the moonless sky, stars started disappearing as their light was blocked by dark objects. Edd could figure out what they were from Jonny's exclamations.

"If you shut the door now, I promise no harm will come to you! I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eagles!"

The distinctive shape of an eagle formed its silhouette against the starry sky. Edd was teetering on the edge of the door with eagles coming after him; reasonably frightened, he screamed as an eagle started to charge him.

 _"He doesn't get eaten by the eagle at this time."_

 _The boy turned to Uncle Ed. "What?"_

 _"The eagle doesn't get him. I'm explaining because you looked nervous."_

 _"I wasn't nervous." A condescending smile spread across Aunt May's face. "Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing."_

 _His father took the book for himself. "We can stop now if you want."_

 _The boy shook his head. "No, you can read a little more if you want."_

 _His father opened up to the page that Uncle D had reached._

"Do you know what that sound is, Highness?" Jonny knew that Edd was between a rock and a hard place. "Those are the shrieking eagles! -

 _"We passed that part, Dad. Uncle D read it already."_

 _The sisters all nodded._

 _"Oh. Right, he did." He returned the book to Uncle D._

 _Uncle D gave a soft laugh. "You always were an impulsive one, Eddy." He skimmed through the page until he found where he left off. "_ _Edd was teetering on the edge of the door with eagles coming after him; reasonably frightened, he screamed as an eagle started to charge him..."_

Out of nowhere, Ed's fist came down on the eagle's head, sending it into freefall into the frigid waters below. Ed's other arm pulled Edd away from the door, which was promptly pulled shut by Ed.

Jonny's clambered back to the pilot's seat. "Put him down! Put him down!"

Ed dropped the shivering and panting Edward on the cabin floor before returning to his seat.

Eddy looked at the collision avoidance radar. "I think he's getting closer."

"He's no concern of ours; keep flying!" Jonny buckled his harness and turned to Edd. "I suppose you think you're quite brave, don't you?"

Edd collapsed on the seat with his head in Ed's lap. "Only compared to some."

Jonny sneered and returned his headset to his head.


	5. Cliffs of Insanity

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Four

* * *

The sun peaked into the sky as the plane started its descent for landing, Eddy handling the controls. Even in the midst of finding the runway, he was still fixated on the plane that had been following them for the last hour.

"Look! He's right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using."

Jonny smiled devilishly as the plane broke through the clouds. "Whoever he is, he's too late! See?" He pointed out the windshield at the steep rocks that loomed several miles in front of them. "The Cliffs of Insanity!"

Edd was awestruck at where they appeared to be headed. Fear filled him as they drew closer, uncertain as to what would happen in the near future.

"Hurry up!" Jonny hastened to get the plane configured for landing. "Move the thing!" As instructed by Jonny's gestures, Eddy lowered the landing gear. "And that other thing!" Eddy started to lower the flaps. "Move it!"

The plane flew straight into a cave, touching down on the makeshift runway extending all the way to the back end of the tunnel. The plane came to a stop in the middle of the "runway", and the men immediately disembarked.

"We're safe! Only Ed is strong enough to go up our way; he'll have to fly around for hours until he finds a runway." Jonny climbed into Ed's jacket pocket, with Eddy helping Edd into the other pocket before following after.

Edd stared up the rope laid out above him, his feet falling numb at the thought of the journey ahead. He brushed with a fainting spell as Ed started the long climb up the cliffside.

When they had climbed maybe 40 feet, the growing sound of a propeller followed by the sudden appearance of fire spelled out the second plane rear-ending the plane that brought the quartet here. In the glow of the burning fire, Eddy could see a dark figure head for the rope and climb up after them.

"He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us."

"Inconceivable!" Jonny turned to Ed. "Faster!"

"I thought I was going faster."

"You were supposed to be this colossus! You were this great legendary thing! And yet he gains!"

"Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself."

"I do not accept excuses; I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, is all."

"Don't say that, Jonny. Please?"

"Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?"

Edd's gaze fixated upon the man in black as he climbed after them until Ed reached the top of the cliff. Eddy pulled himself onto the ledge, taking Edd with him, then Jonny, then Ed. Jonny promptly brought out several pieces of wood and placed them under the rope draped across the clifftop to where it wrapped around a large rock. He jammed a stick on top of one and spun it back and forth until a fire took hold. Within moments, the rope caught fire and snapped, sliding down the cliff into the burning cave below.

Jonny stomped out the fire while Ed and Eddy looked down the cliff, where the man in black clung to the jagged rocks.

"He's got very good arms." Eddy nodded as Jonny ran up to the cliff edge in disbelief.

"He didn't fall?! INCONCEIVABLE!"

Eddy looked quizzically at Jonny. "You keep using that word; I don't think it means what you think it means."

The four men looked down at the man in black.

"He's climbing the rocks," Eddy observed.

"Well, whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die." Jonny gave Edd to Ed. "You, carry him." He turned to Eddy. "We'll head straight for the Lemon Brook frontier; catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the swords."

Eddy nodded. "I'm going to duel him left-handed."

"You know what a hurry we're in!"

"It's the only way I can be satisfied; if I duel with my right, it'll be over too quickly."

Jonny sighed. "Oh, have it your way."

Ed patted Eddy on the back. "Be careful. People with sunglasses can't be trusted."

"I'M WAITING!"

Ed left with Edd to follow Jonny into the Lemon Brook frontier, leaving Eddy alone to deal with the man in black.


	6. Man in Black

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Five

* * *

Eddy opened up his backpack and unloaded its contents: two fencing swords disassembled for storage. He laid them out in the gravel before walking up to the cliff edge, where the man in black was still climbing.

"Hello there!" He gave a wave to him. "Slow going?"

The man in black craned his neck to look up at Eddy. "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me."

"Sorry."

"Thank you."

The fact that the man in black sounded vaguely like Prince Kevin did nothing to distract Eddy from putting the two swords together. Once he had finished, he walked back to the cliff edge, where the man in black was still climbing.

"I don't suppose you could speed things up?"

The man in black craned his neck to look up at Eddy. "If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch, or find something useful to do."

"I could do that." He thumbed the boulder behind him. "I still got some rope up here, but I don't think you'd accept my help, since I'm only waiting here to kill you."

"That does put a damper on our relationship."

"But I promise not to kill you before you reach the top."

"That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."

"I hate waiting," Eddy grumbled as he walked to pick up his swords. He returned a few moments later. "Could I give you my word as a Dutchman?"

The man in black shook his head as he continued climbing. "No good; I've known too many Dutchmen."

"Is there any way you could trust me?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

Eddy pondered before he decided on something. "I swear by the shoes of my brother, Terry McGee, you will reach the top alive."

The name struck a chord with the man in black. "Throw me the rope."

Eddy ran to the boulder and uncoiled the rope from the boulder until the end reached the cliff edge, and continued to uncoil it until the man in black shouted "Got it!"

He watched the man in black climb the rope, pulling it up to accelerate the climb, until the man in black hoisted himself upon the gravel-covered rock.

"Thank you." The man in black panted as he watched Eddy pick up the green sword, taking it as a signal to take the red one.

As he bent down to pick it up, he was stopped by Eddy. "Wait, wait... we'll wait until you're ready."

The man in black nodded. "Again, thank you." He straightened his pilot's uniform and sat down against the rocks, taking from his knapsack a water bottle and from his shirt pocket a Mylar packet, which he opened and emptied into the palm of his hand, the contents being a rainbow of four or five pills. As he washed them down, Eddy sat down on the rock opposite him.

"Hey, um... I don't mean to pry, but... you don't by any chance happen to wear size 16 shoes?"

The man in black took the bottle from his mouth, surprised at the seemingly random and unusual question. "Do you always begin conversations this way?"

"My brother was killed by a size-16'd man."

The man in black nodded in understanding, sealed the water bottle, and plucked off his right shoe, which showed a size 6.

Eddy nodded. This wasn't the man he was looking for. "He was a great shoemaker, my brother. When the size-16'd man appeared and requested a special pair of shoes, my brother took the job." He pulled a large pair of wooden shoes out of his backpack. "He slaved a week before he was finished."

The man in black took one in each hand and looked them over for a long moment in admiration. "I've never seen their equal."

Eddy nodded as the shoes were returned to him. "The size 16'd man returned and demanded them, but at one-tenth his promised price. My brother refused. Without a word, the size-16'd man brought a sickle between his eyes. I loved my brother, so naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The size-16'd man left me alive, but he gave me this." He bowed forward and showed the man in black a large shoe print on the top of his head.

The man in black quivered in pain. "How old were you?"

"I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of every fighting technique known to man. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the size-16'd man and say 'Hello, my name is Eddy McGee. You killed my brother; prepare to die.'."

"You've done nothing but study fighting?"

Eddy shrugged. "More a pursuit than a study lately. You see, I can't find him; it's been 20 years now, and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Jonny to pay the bills; there's not a lot of money in revenge."

The man in black nodded. "Yeah. Well, I do hope you find him someday." He got to his feet and picked up the red sword with his left hand.

"You're ready then?" Eddy got into his place.

"Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair."

Eddy shrugged. "You seem a decent fellow; I'd hate to kill you."

The man in black smiled. "You seem a decent fellow; I'd hate to die."

Eddy returned the smile. "Begin."


	7. Fencing Duel

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Six

* * *

The two men poised to begin the duel.

They clapped swords twice, and a swing missed the man in black.

They clapped swords twice again; this time, a swing missed Eddy.

The sword-clapping built up, and the two men pushed each other back and forth through the gravel. The movements took them up a ruined set of stone steps.

Eddy smiled at the man in black's moves. "You're using Bonetti's Defense against me, huh?"

"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain." The man in black backed up the steps to the top.

"Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro." Eddy proceeded to do so.

"Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro." The man in black did so before jumping down to the ground.

"Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa." He somersaulted over the man in black. "Which I have." Failing to press the man in black against the rock of the steps with the aforementioned technique, Eddy found himself forced backward instead toward the cliff edge. "You are wonderful!"

"Thank you." The man in black nodded. "I've worked hard to become so."

"I admit that you're better than I am."

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Because I know something that you don't know."

"And what's that?"

"I am not left-handed!" Eddy clapped his hands together, his sword coming into his right hand.

The man in black let off an amazed laugh at this development. "You're amazing!"

Eddy nodded as he pushed the man in black up to the balcony. "I ought to be after 20 years."

The man in black got pressed against the balcony wall overlooking the cliffs. "Wait - there's something I ought to tell you."

"Yeah?" Eddy tilted his head. "Tell me."

The man in black smiled. "I'm not left-handed either." He punted Eddy back and tossed his sword to his other hand before clapping swords and sending Eddy's weapon into the gravel below.

Eddy jumped toward his sword, swinging on a vine stretched across the chasm he had to traverse to reach his sword. He picked it up in time to watch the man in black throw his own sword at Eddy, who dodged it and watched it impale the grassy crack in the rock. The man in black did a flip on the stretched vine before landing where his sword had landed, calmly plucking it from the ground upon recovery.

Eddy was stunned. "Who are you?"

The man in black smiled. "No one of consequence."

Eddy laughed pleadingly. "I must know."

The smile in front of him didn't change. "Get used to disappointment."

Eddy shrugged in resignation. "Okay."

The sword-clapping intensified, but the ultimate culmination was the man in black chasing Eddy around the ruins for a long time. The man in black cornered Eddy against a wall and twirled his sword, dizzying Eddy until he pretended to slash his cheek. With Eddy distracted, the man in black knocked his sword from his hand, holding his own just inches from his chest.

Eddy panted as his arms drifted above his head. "Kill me quickly."

The man in black lowered his sword. "I would sooner destroy a stained-glass window than an artist like yourself." He took a step forward. "However, since I can't have you following me either,..." he brought his foot up and threw it into Eddy's face, knocking him out cold. "Please understand I hold you in the highest respect."

Retrieving the rest of his belongings, he gave chase to the rest of the men, the approaching sound of helicopters replacing his presence.

* * *

The helicopter touched down at the mouth of the cave, where the wreckage of the two planes was still burning. Out of the helicopter stepped Kevin, who examined the burning planes.

It was evident that one plane had rear-ended the other, and the lack of bodies in either of the two planes indicated that all of the occupants of both aircraft had escaped. A pile of rope under a hole in the cave had sustained some minor burning, spelling out how the people aboard the two aircraft got out of the cave, as well as highlighting the minority of the injuries.

Examining the ends of the rope, he found one end burned despite being opposite the side of the rope pile burned by the airplane fire, a clear indication that the rope had been lit at the top of the cliff and had snapped under the weight of the rope draped over the cliff.

Given the fact that the first plane to land in the cave was crushed while the doors were open, the rope was likely cut in a failed attempt to kill the occupants of the second plane to land when they tried to follow the first group.

Kevin turned to the men still in the helicopter. "We seem to be dealing with two groups here, both headed in the same direction. At least one of them has the princess, and this kidnapping plot seems to have been meticulously planned in advance. They seem to have scaled the Cliffs of Insanity, and are headed for the Lemon Brook frontier." He climbed back into the helicopter. "To the top of the Cliffs!"

The helicopter lifted off the ground and made its way higher and higher along the jagged rocky cliff side.


	8. Hand-to-Hand Combat

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Seven

* * *

Jonny gazed in the distance down the trail they had come down. To his shock, he saw the man in black running down it toward him.

"INCONCEIVABLE!" He turned to Ed. "Give him to me!" Edd landed in his arms, and he rushed up the hill along the trail. "Catch up with us quickly!"

Ed looked around. "What do I do?"

Jonny paused to turn around. "Finish him. Finish him! Your way!"

"Oh, good. My way." Ed nodded with a smile. "Thanks, Jonny." His brain hiccuped. "What's my way again?"

Jonny froze in befuddlement before turning around to frustratedly explain Ed's task. "Pick up one of those rocks and get behind the boulder. In a few minutes, the man in black will come running around the bend; the minute his head is in view, **hit it with the rock!** "

Ed picked up a rock as Jonny disappeared with Edd, but looked down upon the rock with a pang of conscience. "My way's not very sportsmanlike."

The man in black slowed to a gentle walk as he approached the boulder field, preparing himself for an ambush. He slipped his hand into his shirt pocket, poised to draw a weapon at the first sign of trouble. As he took a step forward, a rock shattered against the boulder next to him. Instinctively, he drew his gun, pointing it in the direction where the rock came from.

Ed had another rock in his hand. "I did that on purpose; I didn't have to miss."

"I believe you." The man in black maintained his composure. "So, what happens now?"

"We face each other as we were intended: sportsmanlike. No weapons, no tricks, skill against skill alone."

"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my gun, and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people."

Ed showed off the rock in his hand. "I could kill you now."

The man in black slipped the gun back into his shirt pocket. "Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting."

Ed shrugged. "It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest." He tossed the rock over his shoulder. "I don't even exercise."

The man in black laughed as he cracked his knuckles. Shaking his fingers at his sides, he made a charge at Ed, who didn't budge. The man in black threw himself off of Ed, paused to catch his breath, and made another charge, still failing to move Ed.

The man in black threw himself off of Ed. "Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?"

Ed shrugged. "I just want you to feel you're doing well. I'd hate for people to die embarrassed."

The man in black somersaulted past Ed as he made a tackling motion toward him. "You're quick."

The man in black nodded. "And a good thing, too."

Ed threw punches at the man in black, who managed to dodge all of them. "Why are you wearing sunglasses? Did you just get your eyes checked or something like that?"

"Aw, no, it's just that they're extremely comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future." The man in black scurried past Ed, up a boulder, and clasped onto his neck, cutting off the circulation to his brain.

"I just figured out... why you gave me... so much trouble." Ed fought to wrench the arms off his neck, to no avail.

The man in black braced as Ed slammed him into the boulder behind him. "Why is that, - OOF - do you think?"

"Well, I... haven't fought... just one person... for so long. ... I've been specializing... in gangs,... battling gangs... for local charities,... that kind of thing."

The man in black was slammed against the boulder again. "Why should that make such a - OOF - difference?"

"Well, you see,... you use different moves... when you're fighting... half a dozen people..." Ed's legs buckled, "...than when you only..." the man in black walked Ed down to the ground, "have to be worried... about..." Ed collapsed unconscious, "...one!"

The man in black released his grip the instant that Ed blacked out and rolled him over on his back. Listening for a heartbeat, he was reassured that he had not killed an innocent henchman.

"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awaken. But in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women."

Checking that he had everything he came with, he gave chase to Jonny over the hill.

* * *

At the same time, Kevin was analyzing the footprints in the gravel atop the Cliffs of Insanity, treading to trace the likely movements of the people involved as his entourage watched from the sidelines.

"There was... a mighty duel. It ranged all over, and they were both masters."

Rolf looked at Kevin, who was poised atop the ruined steps. "Who won? How did it end?"

Kevin found a body impression in the gravel with footprints on top of it. "The loser ran off alone,..." he turned around and saw three sets of footprints heading in the opposite direction, "and the winner followed those footprints toward Lemon Brook."

Rolf looked in the direction of the loser's footprints. "Shall we track them both?"

Kevin shook his head. "The loser is nothing; only the princess matters." He put his hands at his hips and looked around the ruins. "Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Lemon Brook. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead."

Rolf led the entourage after Kevin to the helicopter, a good half a mile from the dueling site. "Could this be a trap?"

Kevin looked over his shoulder. "I always think anything could be a trap." He picked up his gait as he neared the helicopter. "Which is why I'm still alive."


	9. Battle of Wits

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Eight

* * *

The man in black ran down the trail until he came across Jonny, who was seated at a makeshift picnic area on a flat boulder. Edd was seated beside him, blindfolded, tied up, and with a knife held to his throat.

Jonny caught sight of the man in black approaching. "So... it is down to you, and it is down to me." He set two goblets on the tablecloth as the man in black approached further. "If you wish him dead, by all means, keep moving forward."

The man in black stopped. "Let me explain..."

Jonny interrupted. "There's nothing to explain; you're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen."

The man in black struggled not to laugh. "Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?"

Jonny grabbed Edd's arm. "There will be no arrangements. And you're killing her!"

Edd shied back, anticipating the blade coming forward.

"Well, if there can be no arrangements," the man in black shrugged, "then we are at an impasse."

"I'm afraid so." Jonny remained stern. "I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains."

The man in black raised an intrigued eyebrow. "You're that smart?"

"Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?"

"Yes."

"Morons."

"Really?" A smile slipped onto the man in black's face. "In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."

"For the princess?"

The man in black nodded.

"To the death?"

Another nod.

"I accept." Jonny dropped the knife onto the tablecloth.

"Good." The man in black sat down opposite Jonny. "Then pour the wine."

Jonny filled the two goblets with wine while the man in black plucked a paper vial from his shirt pocket.

Removing the cork, he took a whiff of it before handing it to Jonny. "Inhale this, but do not touch."

Jonny sniffed the vial. "I smell nothing."

The man in black reclaimed the vial. "What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man."

Jonny gave an interested hum before the man in black picked up the two goblets and placed them out of Jonny's sight. He spent ten seconds with them before returning the goblets to the tablecloth, one in front of Jonny, the other in front of himself.

Flicking the empty vial at the base of the two goblets, he turned his gaze toward Jonny. "Alright, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and we find out who is right and who is dead."

Jonny scoffed. "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given; I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would've counted on it. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

The man nodded with interest. "You've made your decision, then?"

Jonny shook his head. "Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia. And as everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

The man in black tsked. "Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."

"Wait until I get going!" Jonny took a calming breath. "Where was I?"

"Australia?"

"Yes, Australia." Jonny brushed the underside of his nose. "And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origins, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

The man in black knew Jonny had retreaded old ground. "You're just stalling now."

"You'd like to _think_ that, wouldn't you?" Jonny snapped. "You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So you could've put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, meaning I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you!" The man in black's flicker of worry dissipated with the next statement. "But you've also bested my Dutchman, which means you must have studied, and in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, and so would've put the poison as far from yourself as possible, meaning I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

The man in black let a smirk loose. "You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work."

"It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!"

"Then make your choice!"

"I will! And I choose - " Jonny gasped and thrust himself across the tablecloth. "What in the world could that be?!"

"What? Where?" The man in black turned around, thinking Jonny saw an approaching search party. Seeing nothing, he realized that he had been duped and lingered in a turnaround position before returning to face Jonny. "I don't see anything."

Jonny slowly sat back down in feigned confusion. "I could've sworn I saw something." He flicked his wrist. "No matter."

The man in black sensed Jonny's attempts at stifling his laughter. "What's so funny?"

"I'll tell you in a minute." He looked down at the goblets. "First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours."

The man in black nodded and picked up his goblet, Jonny repeating his actions. As soon as the man in black took a sip, Jonny took a sip. As soon as the goblets were set down, the man in black spoke.

"You guessed wrong."

Jonny's face broke into a wild smile. "You only _think_ I guessed wrong; that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Haha, you fool!"

The man in black's face faded to a stoic expression.

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is 'Never get involved in a land war in Russia.'. But only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against an Alaskan when death is on the line!" Jonny laughed maniacally for several seconds.

Then stopped.

And collapsed.

Dead.

The man in black walked around the tablecloth and untied Edd.

The sock-headed one looked upon the man in black. "Who are you?"

"I'm no one to be trifled with; that is all you ever need know."

Fully untied, Edd was led down the trail by the man in black.

Edd gave a glance backward at the picnic area. "And to think... all that time it was _your_ cup that was poisoned?"

"They were both poisoned." The man in black straightened his tie. "I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder."

* * *

At the same time, Kevin climbed out of a large crease in the earth in the boulder field. "Someone has beaten a giant." He jumped back into the helicopter. "There will be great suffering in Lemon Brook if he dies!"


	10. Ridge Run

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Nine

* * *

The duo ran along the trail until they came upon a knee-high boulder on which they could sit.

The man in black dropped Edd against the rock. "Catch your breath."

Edd looked around, scared and confused. "If you'll release me, whatever you want for ransom, you'll get it. I promise!"

The man in black laughed. "And what is that worth, the promise of a boy like you? You're very funny, Highness."

"I was giving you a chance." Edd's fear melted. "It doesn't matter where you take me; there's no greater hunter than Prince Kevin. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day; he can find you."

The man in black tightened his lip. "You think your dearest love will save you?"

"I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me; that I know."

The man in black raised an eyebrow. "You admit to me you do not love your fiancé."

"He knows I do not love him."

"Are not capable of love is what you mean."

Edd's anger rose with his physical body. "I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!"

The man in black rose his hand in a karate chop pose, causing Edd to flinch.

The man in black lowered his hand. "That was a warning, Highness; the next time, my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies."

He grabbed Edd and ran down the trail with him in tow.

* * *

At the same time, Kevin was examining the picnic area where Jonny's dead body lay. It was clear from the hysterical smile on his face and the lack of visible injuries that the cause of death was poisoning. A poison that could kill in as little as 30 seconds.

The wine goblets presented the means by which the poison was administered. Because of Jonny's frozen smile, he could tell that the poison was tasteless. An empty paper vial between the goblets indicated that the poison was a powder. A finger in each goblet yielded no trace of powder in either goblet, an indication that the powder was highly soluble. A sniff of the paper vial was conclusive: no odor.

A powder that was odorless, tasteless, dissolves readily in liquid, and can kill a person in 30 seconds. It could only be one thing.

"Iocane. I bet my life on it." He looked in the soft dirt surrounding the flat boulder. "And there are the princess's footprints. He is alive. At least, he was an hour ago." He clambered back into the helicopter. "If he is otherwise when I find him, I shall be very put out."

* * *

The man in black led Edd to a ridge and sat down on the edge over a deep ravine. "Rest, highness."

Edd complied before he turned to the man in black. "I know who you are; your cruelty reveals everything!"

The man in black looked to Edd with a testing expression.

"You're the Dread Pilot Roberts! Admit it!"

"With pride." Roberts clapped his hands and folded them together. "What can I do for you?"

Edd's brow tightened. "You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces."

Roberts tsked. "Hardly complementary, your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?"

"You killed my love."

Roberts shrugged. "It's possible; I kill a lot of people." He turned his gaze across the ravine. "Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?"

"No!" Edd snapped. "A servant girl! Poor!" He let off a long breath. "Poor and perfect." Through the gap in Roberts's sunglasses offered by the side view of his face, Edd could see a familiar shade of green in his eyes. "With eyes like tree leaves after a storm." He snapped himself out of his trance. "Over the high seas, you brought her flight down into the ocean! And the Dread Pilot Roberts never takes prisoners!"

Roberts shrugged. "Well, I can't afford to make exceptions; once word leaks out that a crime boss has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work work work all the time."

Edd stood up. "You mock my pain!"

Roberts stood up. "Life is pain, Highness; anyone who says differently is selling something."

Edd glared at Roberts as he walked in circles around him. "I remember this servant girl of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?"

Edd didn't move. "Nothing you say could upset me."

"She died well; that should suit you. No bribe attempts or blubbering; she simply said 'please'. 'Please, I need to live.'. 'Twas her 'please' that caught my memory. I asked her what was so important, what she had in this life worth living for. 'True love,' she replied. And she spoke of a young man of surpassing godliness and faithfulness, I can only assume she meant you." Roberts stopped walking. "You should bless me for destroying her before she found out what you really are."

Edd turned to Roberts. "And what am I?"

"'Faithfulness,' she spoke of, sir. Your enduring faithfulness. Now tell me truly: when you found out she was dead, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?"

Edd balled his hands into fists. "You mocked me once; never do it again! I died that day!" In his anger, he didn't hear the approaching helicopter. "And you can die, too, for all I care!"

A punch to his temple sent Roberts tumbling down into the ravine.

As Edd turned in the direction of the approaching helicopter, a more prominent sound reached his ears.

"As - OOF - you - OOF - wish!"

He couldn't have imagined that. It sounded just as real as when he first heard it.

"My sweet Marie. What have I done?"

Unable to make sense of what was going on, he fainted and tumbled down into the ravine.

* * *

At the same time, Kevin looked outside of the helicopter along the ridge. "They've disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which may account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong (and I'm never wrong), they're headed dead into the Fire Swamp."


	11. Fire Swamp

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Ten

* * *

When Edd regained consciousness, he saw the face of his dreams looking down on him. A bed of blue hair, brilliant green eyes, freckled cheeks, clad in a pilot's uniform.

"Can you move?"

"Move?" Edd's breathing intensified. "You're alive! If you want, I could fly."

Marie laughed. "I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Well..." Edd's breathing returned to normal, "you were dead."

"Death cannot stop true love." Marie smiled. "All it can do is delay it for a while."

"I will never doubt again."

"There won't ever be a need."

Marie picked up Edd by the shoulders, the latter bringing all lips present together as -

 _"Oh, no. No, please!"_

 _Aunt Marie swallowed a bite of her sandwich. "What is it? What's the matter?"_

 _The boy set down his hot dog. "They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?"_

 _Aunt May shrugged. "Someday, you may not mind so much."_

 _The boy picked up his hot dog. "Skip on to the Fire Swamp; that sounded good."_

 _Uncle Ed looked to Uncle D. "Don't we still have to explain how - "_

 _"Tell you what:" Uncle D flipped through a few pages. "You're sick, I'll humor you."_

Edd and Marie raced along the ravine floor.

"Ha!" Marie pointed at the helicopter flying overhead. "Your pig fiancé is too late! A few more steps, and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp!"

Edd was confused. "We'll never survive!"

"Nonsense." Marie grabbed Edd's hand. "You're only saying that because no one ever has."

* * *

The duo made their way into the Fire Swamp with Marie leading the way. The entrance to the Fire Swamp disappeared before Marie spoke up.

"It's not that bad."

Edd turned to her with a confused look.

"I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."

Edd nodded in understanding as they continued to trek forward. They approached a clearing, and a series of pops echoed from the ground. Suddenly, a flame spurt erupted from the center of the clearing, igniting Edd's trousers.

Edd fell to the ground as Marie set to work smothering the flames with her overcoat. Once they were out, she redressed and helped Edd to his feet.

"Well, now that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?"

Edd shook his head. "You?"

Marie shook her head. They continued forward, Marie hoisting Edd away from another flame spurt.

"Well, one thing I will say:" Marie drew a hunting knife from her knapsack, "the Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes."

The trek took them over a marshy river, littered with low-hanging vines which Marie hacked down with her hunting knife.

"This will all soon be but a happy memory. Roberts's plane _Revenge_ is waiting at the airfield at the far end, and I, as you know, am Roberts."

Edd was confused. "But how is that possible if he's been marauding the skies for 20 years and you only left me five years ago?"

"I myself am often surprised by life's little quirks." Marie hoisted Edd away from a flame spurt. "You see, everything I told you before about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my description of your godliness. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said 'Alright, Marie. I've never had a valet. You can try for tonight if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' For three years, he said to me every night 'Good night, Marie. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me, learning to fly, combat, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened."

There was a pause before Edd spoke. "What? Go on."

"Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So, he took me to the cockpit, where he told me his secret." Marie picked up Edd in her arms. "'I am not the Dread Pilot Roberts;' she said, 'my name is Riley. I inherited this plane from the previous Dread Pilot Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The woman I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pilot Roberts either; her name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired 15 years and living like a queen in Patagonia.'"

Marie set Edd down, who moved a vine out of her way.

"Thank you. And she explained that the name and masculine disguise were important for inspiring the necessary fear." Edd looked with a confused look. "Nobody would surrender to the Dread Pilot Marie. So, we flew to Colombia, took on an entirely new crew, and she stayed aboard for a while as first officer, all the while calling me 'Roberts'. Once the crew was convinced, she left the plane, and I've been Roberts ever since. But now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name off to someone else. Is everything clear to you now?"

Edd nodded wearily, having had so much information thrust upon him all at once. In his haze, he started walking off until he stepped in a lightning sand pit and disappeared.

Marie cut a length of vine and jumped after Edd.


	12. Rodents of Unusual Size

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Eleven

* * *

A large creature approached the lightning sand pit, smelling the presence of two fresh pieces of meat. His nose brought him to the lightning sand pit, where a taut vine was stretched down from a branch into the lightning sand. Sniffing the lightning sand, he could tell that the meat had fallen into the lightning sand and was out of reach. Enraged at having lost a chance at a meal for the first time in years, he stomped off for a measly morsel of bonefish from the boiling marshes.

Had he lingered for but a moment longer, he could've captured a larger prey; Marie hoisted Edd from the lightning sand on the vine, both of them coughing and gasping for breath. They sprawled out in the leafy soil, brushing the sand from their bodies and straining to catch their breath. Growls could be heard from behind the trees, and Edd's panting broke into whimpers.

"We'll never succeed. We may as well die here."

Marie shook her head. "No, we've already succeeded." She helped Edd to his feet and continued walking. "There are three terrors in the Fire Swamp. First are the flame spurts; no problem. There's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid those. Next is the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future, we can avoid that, too."

Edd caught an eye behind a tree. "What about the R.O.U.S.s?"

"Rodents Of Unusual Size?" Marie scoffed. "I don't think they exist."

As if on cue, an ROUS jumped Marie, pinning her to the ground. Her gun fell out of her shirt pocket and landed out of reach against a tree root. Marie fought to wrestle the giant rat's gaping maw from her face, in the process putting her arm in it. She beat the rodent away between two trees and reached for her gun, putting Edd in the path of the giant rat.

"MARIE!"

She was quick to grab hold of the rodent's tail, arresting its advance on Edd. He took the opportunity to grab a log, which he used to push the rat away from him. Tripping backward over a tree root, his foot got clamped between the rodent's teeth until it went for Marie. The ivory stakes went through her shoulder until a popping sound resonated from the center of the clearing. Rolling toward the sound, the flame spurt belched out on the rat, wounding it.

Dragging herself to her dropped gun, Marie grabbed it as the rat recovered from the fire.

BANG! The rat collapsed on its frontside.

BANG! The rat's head fell to the ground.

BANG! The rat stopped moving.

Marie turned to Edd straining to stand straight. Edd wrapped his arm around her, and they headed for the exit in view.

* * *

Marie's strength returned by the time the grass appeared at their feet.

A relieved smile reached Edd's face. "We did it!"

Marie laughed. "Now, was that so terrible?"

Before Edd could answer, the sound of a helicopter being vacated resonated from the woods.

Kevin stood at the foot of the trail ahead of the duo surrounded by his entourage. "Surrender."

"You mean you wish to surrender to me?" Marie drew a gun in each hand. "Very well, I accept."

Kevin laughed. "I'll give you full marks for bravery; don't make yourself a fool."

Edd watched as the soldiers surrounded him and Marie as the latter spoke to Kevin. "Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp; we can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit."

"I tell you once again: surrender!" Kevin watched as his soldiers aimed their weapons at Marie.

"Will not happen!" Marie pointed her guns at Kevin.

Kevin repeated her actions. "For the last time: SURRENDER!"

"DEATH FIRST!"

"WAIT!" Edd jumped between Marie and Kevin before turning to the latter. "Will you promise not to hurt her?"

The two responded together. "What was that?"

"If we surrender and I return to you, will you promise not to hurt this woman?"

Kevin lowered his weapons. "May I live a thousand years and never hunt again."

"She is an aviator on the airplane Revenge. Promise to return her to her crew."

"I swear it will be done." Kevin signaled for his men to pack away their weapons before doing so himself.

He returned to the helicopter, where Rolf was waiting. "Once we're out of sight, take her back to Peach Creek and throw her in the Pit of Despair."

Rolf nodded. "Rolf swears it will be done."

On the other side of the helicopter, Edd was talking to Marie. "I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again; not when I could save you."

The helicopter started up and flew away with Edd in tow, leaving Rolf and his four henchmen to "escort" Marie.

"Come, madam; we must get you to your vessel."

Marie laughed. "We are people of action; lies do not become us."

Rolf smiled. "Well spoken, madam."

As the soldiers tied her hands behind her back, Marie's eyes drifted down, where she saw Rolf's overly large shoes. Marie was able to deduce Rolf's shoe size by the stitched number on the toes.

Rolf noticed the smirk on Marie's face. "What is it?"

"You're wearing size 16 shoes. Someone was looking for you."

Rolf flicked a tranquilizer dart at her breast, and she was out like a light.


	13. Pit of Despair

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Twelve

* * *

Nat Goldberg made his way down into the Pit of Despair, where Marie's unconscious body lay strapped to a rolling table. He set down his lunchbox before setting about to treating Marie's wounds with a rag soaked in medicine.

Marie regained consciousness ten seconds into Nat's work, completely unsurprised that she wasn't with her crew. "Where am I?"

Nat didn't pause his work. "The Pit of Despair. Don't even think - " he gave a heavy cough before giving up on speaking with a raspy voice. "Don't even think about trying to escape; the restraints are far too thick. Have no dream of being rescued either; the way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count, and I know the way in and out."

"So I'm here until I die?"

Nat refilled the medicine bowl. "Until they kill you, yeah."

Marie watched him get back to work on treating her shoulder. "Then why bother curing me?"

"Oh, the Prince and the Count always insist on their victims being healthy before they're broken."

"So, it's to be torture?"

Nat nodded.

Marie let off a whoosh of air. "I can cope with torture."

Nat shook his head.

"You don't believe me?"

Nat was almost finished with the shoulder bite. "You survived the Fire Swamp, so you're certainly quite brave." He set to work on Marie's other arm. "But nobody withstands The Machine."

Marie rolled her eyes. He was only saying that because no one ever has.

* * *

For the last three weeks, Prince Kevin and Count Rolf had watched Edd pacing from his chamber to the washroom. It was the only time anyone ever saw him for the last three weeks.

"He's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp." Kevin watched him disappear into his room. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting him."

Rolf knew that that wasn't true. "Of course."

The king died that very night, and before the following dawn, Kevin and Edd were married. And at noon, he met his subjects again, this time as their queen.

Kevin stood at the balcony where he had announced his bride the previous month. "My father's final words were -

 _"Hold it, hold it. Uncle D, you read that wrong," the boy protested. "He doesn't marry Kevin; he marries Marie. I'm sure of it. After all that Marie did for him, if he didn't marry her, it wouldn't be fair."_

 _The father shrugged. "Well, who says life's fair? Where's that written?"_

 _The mother nodded. "Life isn't always fair."_

 _The boy looked at Uncle D. "I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!"_

 _Aunt Marie looked at her nephew. "Do you want us to go on with this?"_

 _The boy sighed. "Yes."_

 _Uncle D nodded. "Alright, then. No more interruptions."_

At noon, he met his subjects again, this time as their queen.

Kevin stood at the balcony where he had announced his bride the previous month. "My father's final words were 'Love her as I loved her, and there will be joy.'. I present to you your queen," Kevin gestured to the same archway he had a month ago, "Queen Deedee!"

The people turned to behold Edd as he walked down the red carpet and all bowed to her presence, with the exception of a woman named Sarah.

"Boo! Boo! Boo!"

Edd looked to the young booer. "Why do you do this?"

"Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!" Sarah retorted.

"But they would've killed Marie if I hadn't done it."

"Your true love lives! And you marry another!" Sarah turned to the people. "True love saved him in the Fire Swamp, and he treated it like garbage! And that's what he is! The Queen of Refuse! So, bow to him if you want! Bow to him! Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! BOO! **BOOOOOOOOO!** "

* * *

Edd jerked up out of bed. He took out his phone to check the date. It was ten days until the wedding. The king still lived, but Edd's nightmares were growing steadily worse. _{"See? Didn't I tell you he'd never marry that rotten Kevin?" "Yes, you're very smart;" his father cut him off, "shut up."}_

Edd got dressed and ran to Kevin's chambers. He and Rolf were talking, and stopped when Edd entered.

"It comes to this," Edd gasped. "I love Marie; I always have. I know now I always will. If I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning!"

Kevin was shocked by the news. He turned to Rolf before speaking to Edd with a slow, uneasy voice.

"I could never cause you grief." He swallowed once. "Consider our wedding off." He turned to Rolf. "You returned this Marie to her aircraft?"

Rolf nodded. "Yes."

Kevin shrugged with a smile on his face as he turned to Edd. "Then we will simply alert her." He stood up and walked around his desk before sitting on the edge. "Beloved, are you sure she wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that," Kevin cleared his throat, "criminals are not known to be men of their words."

Edd nodded. "My Marie will always come for me."

Kevin nodded with enthusiasm. "I suggest a deal." He stood up straight. "You put together four identical care packages. I'll send my four fastest fighter jets, one in each direction. The Dread Pilot Roberts is always close to Peach Creek this time of year. We'll shepherd him to land and deliver your package. If Marie wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

Edd turned his gaze to Rolf with unease before looking to Kevin and nodding.


	14. Count Rolf

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Thirteen

* * *

The following morning, Kevin and Rolf headed off into the woods toward the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair. Completely alone, the two were wrapped up in talking to each other.

"Your princess is really quite a winning creature." Rolf walked ahead of Kevin. "A trifle simple, perhaps, but his appeal is undeniable."

Kevin laughed, pleased at how well he had convinced the populace that Edd was female. "I know; the people are quite taken with him." He paused at the tree that camouflaged the Pit entrance. "It's odd, but when I hired Jonny to have him murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle him on our wedding night. Once Lemon Brook is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged; they'll demand we go to war."

Rolf laughed in amusement before turning his attention to the tree. "Now, where is that secret knot?" He fingered the many knots in the tree. "It's impossible to find." His thumb brushed the correct one, and the tree opened up to reveal the stairs leading to the Pit of Despair.

"Are you coming down into the Pit, Kevin?" Rolf stood in the opening. "Marie has regained her strength, and Rolf is starting her on The Machine tonight."

"Rolf," Kevin always found it difficult to turn down invitations, "you know how much I love watching you work. But I've got my country's 300th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Lemon Brook to frame for it; I'm swamped."

Rolf understood Kevin's stress and patted his shoulder. "Get some rest; if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

The two laughed and parted ways, unaware that a mono-browed man had secretly been watching them, captivated by the size 16 shoes being worn by the blue-haired Count.

* * *

Nat Goldberg wheeled Marie toward a large contraption. He had laid vacuum cups to every accessible spot on her body after healing her wounds and was ready to attach The Machine's hoses to them.

Rolf reached The Machine in time to present it to Marie. "Beautiful, isn't it? Rolf spent half a lifetime inventing it." He looked toward Marie, who was having hoses attached to the vacuum ports by Nat. "Surely, you've discovered Rolf's deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently, Rolf is writing the definitive work on the subject, so Rolf wishes that you be totally honest on how The Machine makes you feel." Nat attached the last hose to Marie. "This being your first trial, Rolf will use the lowest setting."

He reached for The Machine's sliding selector bar and pushed it up one notch.

Water started to flow into the intricate mechanisms of The Machine, turning the water wheels, and in turn, the gears began to spin.

Marie felt her body grow tight as the vacuum ports tugged and pinched at her body. The restraints held her twitching body still, exacerbating the effects of the vacuums. Marie fought not to scream, which proved difficult in lieu of sensitive body parts being subjected to direct vacuuming.

After ten long, agonizing seconds, Rolf returned the selector to its starting position.

Rolf sat down at his desk, where a typewriter rested. "As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, it sucks life. As of now, it has sucked one year of your life away. Rolf may one day go as high as five, but Rolf does not know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have." He prepared his typewriter. "What did this do to you? Tell Rolf, and remember: this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?"

Marie, still sore from the suction pump treatment, could only moan and whimper in pain.

"Interesting." Rolf set about on his typewriter. _Subject is unable to speak out of sheer pain._


	15. Park-n-Flush Forest

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Fourteen

* * *

Kevin sat at his desk, busy on his computer with plans for his wedding and Peach Creek's 300th anniversary. He was wrapped up in his work until a voice cleared her throat.

He looked up at the door to his chamber. "Nazz?"

She saluted. "Sir."

Kevin beckoned her to the seat opposite his desk, and she seated herself.

Kevin collapsed all the work on his screen before addressing Nazz. "As chief enforcer of all of Peach Creek, I trust you with this secret: killers from Lemon Brook are infiltrating the Park-n-Flush Forest and plan to murder my bride on our honeymoon."

Nazz was confused. "My spy network has heard no such news."

"Any word from Marie?"

The two looked to the door to see Edd in his nightgown, whom Kevin quickly addressed. "Too soon, my angel. Patience."

Edd just barely smiled. "She will come for me."

Kevin nodded. "Of course."

Edd left and returned to his bed, leaving Kevin and Nazz free to continue talking.

"She will not be murdered," Kevin asserted. "On the day of the wedding, I want the Park-n-Flush Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested."

"Many of the residents will resist;" Nazz protested, "my regular enforcers will be inadequate."

Kevin brought his palm to his desk. "Form a brute squad, then! I want the Park-n-Flush Forest empty before I wed."

"It won't be easy, Kev."

Kevin returned to his work. "Try ruling a country sometime."

* * *

The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Kevin's orders.

Nazz drove an army truck to the entrance of the Park-n-Flush Forest, where one of her lieutenants was keeping watch of the people going in and out. "Is everyone out?"

"Almost. There's a Dutchman giving us some trouble."

"Well, you give him some trouble."

"Yes, ma'am."

The Dutchman in question was Eddy, who had gotten drunk following his return to Peach Creek from Lemon Brook.

"I'm waiting for you, Jonny! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have! This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay! I will not be moved!"

A brute approached him. "Come clear!"

"I don't budge; keep your 'kanker'," Eddy mumbled.

"The prince gave orders!"

Eddy quickly grabbed a weapon and prepared to do tae-kwon-do on the brute. "So did Jonny! When the job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so this is the beginning. And I'm staying until Jonny comes."

The brute called out behind Eddy. "You! Brute! Come here!"

"I'm waiting for Jonny!"

A familiar voice answered behind him. "You're not too scrawny."

Looking at the new hand in front of him, he saw a familiar shade of yellow. Looking up, he saw the smiling mono-browed face he had seen many times before.

"Hello," Ed said.

"It's you!"

"True." Ed punched the approaching brute before examining Eddy. "You don't look so good."

Eddy drunkenly let off a whoosh of air.

"You don't smell so good, either."

"Maybe not," Eddy mumbled, "but I feel fine."

"Yeah?" Ed let Eddy stand on his own, but he failed to do so.

* * *

Ed and Eddy were reunited. And as Ed nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Eddy of Jonny's death and the existence of Count Rolf, the size-16'd man. Considering Eddy's lifelong search, he took the news surprisingly well.

Ed took great care in reviving Eddy from his fainting spell, putting his head in alternating hot and cold water until he awoke.

"That's enough! That's enough!" Eddy staggered to his feet, fully sober. "Where's this Rolf now so that I may kill him?"

"He with Prince Kevin in the fortress. But the fortress gate is guarded by 30 men."

Eddy leaned on one of the water kegs. "How many could you handle?"

"I don't think more than ten."

Eddy, not being strong at math, counted 10 off of 30 on his fingers. "Leaving 20 for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many." He walked over to the table where Ed had fed him soup for the last hour. "I need Jonny to plan; I have no gift for strategy."

"But Jonny's dead."

Eddy suddenly had an epiphany. "No, not Jonny; I need the man in black!"

Ed was confused. "What?"

Eddy turned to Ed. "Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me at fencing. He must have out-thought Jonny. And a man who can do that can plan my fortress onslaught any day. Let's go!"

Ed watched Eddy run for the trailer door. "Where?"

"To find the man in black, obviously."

"But we don't know where he is."

"Don't bother me with trifles! After 20 years, my brother's soul will finally be at peace. _There will be blood tonight!_ "


	16. Ultimate Suffering

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Fifteen

* * *

Kevin was at his desk cleaning his gun when Nazz returned to his chamber. He caught sight of her, and she rendered a salute.

"Colonel van Bartonschmeer?" Kevin set down his gun.

"The Park-n-Flush Forest is empty. Thirty men guard the fortress entrance."

"Double it." Kevin fished out his holster. "My princess must be safe."

"The entrance is password protected," Nazz protested, "and only I know it."

Edd entered the room, catching Kevin's attention.

"Ah, my dulcet darling." Kevin got up and approached Edd, taking his hands. "Tonight, we marry." He turned to Nazz. "Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Peach Creek City Airport, where every aircraft in my fleet waits to accompany us on our honeymoon."

"Every aircraft but your four fastest fighters, you mean."

Kevin raised a confused eyebrow at Edd's statement.

"Every aircraft but the four you sent."

"Oh, yes." Kevin headed to his desk. "I should probably check on them to see where they are."

Nazz cleared her throat. "Your highness?"

Kevin nodded. "Dismissed."

Once Nazz had disappeared, Edd looked to Kevin with tense eyes. "You never sent those fighters; don't bother lying." He turned to the door. "Doesn't matter; my Marie will come for me."

Kevin laughed. "You're a silly boy."

Edd spun around. "Yes, I _am_ a silly boy, for not having seen sooner that you're nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear."

Kevin angrily slammed his gun into his holster. "I would not say such things if I were you."

"And why not?" Edd crossed his arms. "You can't hurt me. Marie and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you can't track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you can't break it. Not with a thousand swords." He was standing in Kevin's face at this point. " _And when I say you're a coward, that's only because you're the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth!_ "

Kevin slammed his gun onto his desk and grabbed Edd by the shirt collar. " _ **I would not say such things if I were you!**_ "

He threw Edd into his room and jammed the door shut with a chair before storming out of the fortress and into the woods and into the Pit of Despair. He marched up to the cart where Marie was strapped.

"You truly love each other. And so you might have been truly happy." Kevin panted furiously. "Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."

Kevin ran for the selector bar and pushed it up as high as he could.

Rolf stood up in shock. "NOT TO FIFTY!"

Screams exploded from Marie, drowning out every other sound that existed in the Pit of Despair. Spiders scuttled throughout the Pit at the screaming, enveloping Nat and rendering him shaking like jelly.

Marie's screams could be heard all throughout the fortress, all around the fortress, all throughout Peach Creek, and all throughout the Park-n-Flush Forest by all the residents lucky enough to be away during the purge earlier that day, as well as Eddy and Ed.

"Sh! Ed! Do you hear that?" Eddy signaled to the screams in the distance. "That's the sound of ultimate suffering! My heart made that sound when Rolf killed my brother. The man in black makes it now."

Ed thought the scream was female. "The man in black?"

"His true love is marrying another tonight; what else has the cause for such suffering?" Eddy started through the crowd toward the source of the scream. "Excuse me. Pardon me. This is important." He turned around and signaled to Ed. "Ed?"

Ed took a deep breath and cupped his hands around his mouth. " _ **EVERYBODY MOVE!**_ "

The crowd split in two, providing Eddy a path to the Peach Creek fortress. "Thank you."


	17. Too Late

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Sixteen

* * *

Ed led the way to where he saw Rolf walk into a tree. He had heard Kevin and Rolf talking about Marie and assumed that Marie was around somewhere, but he couldn't remember which tree Rolf had disappeared into. Eddy caught sight of Nat pushing a wheelbarrow through the woods and pressed a gun barrel against the green-haired man's back pocket.

"Where's the man in black? You get there from this grove, right?"

Nat didn't say a word.

"Ed." Eddy snapped his fingers. "Jog his memory."

Ed tapped his fist on Nat's head, and he went down like a ton of bricks.

"Sorry, Eddy." Ed pushed the wheelbarrow over top of Nat. "I didn't mean to jog him so hard."

He saw Eddy kneeling in the dirt, wearing the wooden shoes his brother made on his hands and clapping them together. "Eddy?"

Eddy looked to the treetops with his eyes shut. "Bro, I've failed you for 20 years. Now, our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is someone who can help us. I can't find them alone. I need you. I need you to guide my shoes." Eddy rose to his feet, his eyes still closed. "Guide my shoes."

Ed stood by as Eddy waved his shoed hands around the forest, slowly moving around step by step, until the shoes landed against a large tree with multiple knots. Upon seeing where he had been led, he slumped against the tree, his arm brushing the secret knot that opened the hatch to the Pit of Despair.

The duo ducked through the door and descended the staircase, continuing until they found Marie, unrestrained from the cart upon which she rest.

Ed held an ear to her throat before coming to a grim conclusion. "She's dead."

Eddy picked up a medicine bottle. "This just isn't fair!" He threw it across the chamber as hard as he could throw it.

 _"Uncle D, wait!"_

 _Uncle D looked up from the book at his nephew._

 _"What did Ed mean 'She's dead'? I mean, he didn't mean_ dead _. Marie's only faking, right?"_

 _His father let off a breath. "Do you want us to read this or not?"_

 _The boy slumped into his bed. "Who gets Kevin?"_

 _Uncle Ed was confused. "What do you mean?"_

 _"Who kills Prince Kevin? At the end? Somebody's gotta do it. Is it Eddy? Who?"_

 _Aunt Marie shrugged. "Nobody. Nobody kills him; he lives."_

 _"You mean he wins?" He banged his head against the backboard of his bed. "Come on, guys, what did you read me this thing for?"_

 _Uncle D closed the book. "You know, you've been very sick, and you're taking this story very seriously; I think we ought to stop now."_

 _His nephew protested. "No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down; I'm alright."_

 _"Okay, alright." Uncle D opened the book. "Now, let's see, where were we?"_

 _Aunt Marie reminded him. "In the Pit of Despair."_

 _"Ah, yes."_

Eddy listened to the bottle shatter against the wall before speaking again. "Well, the McGees have never taken defeat easily." He turned his attention to Ed. "Let's go, Ed. Bring the body."

Ed was confused. "The body?"

Eddy collected Marie's shirt and jacket from Rolf's desk. "Have you any money?"

Ed checked his pockets. "Yeah, I have a little."

Eddy stuffed the clothing into his knapsack. "I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all."

The two men took hold of Marie and brought her up to the surface and made haste for the Park-n-Flush Forest.


	18. Miracle Doctor

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Seventeen

* * *

Eddy reached his target in the Park-n-Flush Forest: the trailer owned by Peach Creek's greatest doctor, known as the Miracle Doctor, Dr. Lee Kanker. Ed reached the trailer in time to hear Eddy knock on the trailer door, hoping that Dr. Lee had been away when the Park-n-Flush Forest was empty.

A voice inside provided hope. "Go away!"

Spirits rallied, Eddy continued knocking until the door was answered.

In the door stood a woman with curly red hair that covered her eyes. "What do you want?"

Eddy brought his hand away from the door. "Are you the Miracle Doctor, Dr. Lee, who worked for the king all those years?"

Lee's sharp voice was evidence of her eyebrows tightening. "The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!" With that, she slammed the door in Eddy's face.

Eddy pounded on the door until it opened again.

"Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!"

Ed answered her. "I'm _on_ the brute squad."

Lee removed her glasses. (Not that it made a difference.) "You _are_ the brute squad."

Eddy redirected her attention. "We need a miracle; it's very important."

Lee re-donned her glasses and leaned on the door frame. "Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."

Eddy gestured to Marie. "She's already dead."

Lee took a casual glance in the direction Eddy indicated. "She is, huh?" She waved the two men into the trailer. "I'll take a look; bring her in."

As the body was laid out on the examination table, Lee knew right away that it was her estranged sister, Marie, who she thought had died in a plane crash at the hands of the Dread Pilot Roberts after a career as a servant girl. (Neither Ed nor Eddy were aware of this.) Not really caring about that fact, she proceeded to examine the body.

Her first task was assessing just how far gone Marie was. To do this, she dropped an arm and watched how it moved. The test was conclusive.

"I've seen worse."

Her next task was to figure out what had caused this state. Obviously, she managed to escape death by the Dread Pilot Roberts, as her body was warm. As she painstakingly analyzed the body, Eddy spoke up.

"Ma'am? Ma'am?"

Lee looked up. "Hm?"

"We're in a terrible rush."

"Don't rush me, Shorty; you rush a doctor, you get rotten cures." She finally figured out what was wrong. Her body had been drained of its power through suction; all she needed was a jump start, and her body would start working again. "You got money?"

Eddy counted the money he and Ed had. "$65."

Lee off a whistle. "Sheesh, I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause."

Eddy swallowed hard and rubbed his eyes to coax tears. "This is noble. Her husband is crippled. Her children are on the brink of starvation."

Lee gave off a knowing laugh. "Are you a rotten liar."

Eddy dropped the facade. "I need her help to avenge my brother, murdered these 20 years."

Lee stared in surprise. "Your first story was better." She headed off to the bookshelf. "Where are the bellows crammed?" She found them between the bookshelf and the TV cabinet. "She probably owes you money, huh?" She sanitized the mouth of the bellows. "I'll just ask her."

Eddy was confused. "She's dead; she can't talk."

Lee swirled her head in a "crazy" motion. "Look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only _mostly_ dead. Please, open her mouth."

Eddy complied, and Lee continued talking as she stuck the bellows into Marie's mouth.

"There are three types of dead: sorta dead, mostly dead, and all dead." She pumped the bellows once. "Sorta dead means slightly alive." Another pump. "Mostly dead is worse, but still not all dead." Another pump. "With all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."

"And what's that?"

Lee plucked the bellows from Marie's mouth. "Go through their pockets and look for loose change." She set the bellows under the table and signaled for Ed and Eddy to be quiet before leaning toward Marie's ear.

"Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What have you got in this life that's worth living for?"

Unaware that Marie had been asked the exact same thing five years earlier in the face of death, Lee pressed down Marie's midriff, getting the same answer Marie had given the last time: "Tttttrrrrruuuuueeeee lllllooooovvvvveeeee."

Eddy smiled. "Did you hear that? 'True love'? You couldn't ask for a more noble cause than that."

Lee nodded. "Shorty, true love is the greatest thing in the world. (Except for a nice SLT, a Steak Lettuce Tomato sandwich, where the steak is nice and tender, and the tomato is ripe," she licked her lips, "they're so perky; I love 'em.) But that's not what she said; she distinctly said 'to blave', and as we all know, to blave means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and she cheated."

A voice from the back of the trailer interrupted Lee. "LIAR!" The voice presented itself as a buck-toothed blonde entering from the kitchen. "LIAR!" She pointed an accusing finger at Lee. "LIAAAAAR!"

Lee turned to the newcomer. "Get back, witch!"

"I'm not a witch; I'm your sister! But after what you just said to me, I don't know if I want to be that anymore."

Lee huffed. "You never had it so good."

"'True love'! She said 'true love', Lee!"

"Don't say another word, May!"

May turned to Ed and Eddy. "She's afraid. Ever since Prince Kevin fired her, her confidence is shattered."

Lee was furious. "Why'd you say that name? You promised me you'd never say that name!"

May smirked. "What, Kevin?"

"Ngh!"

"Kevin!"

"Ngh!"

"Kevin!"

"Ngh!"

The cycle continued, May singing "Kevin" over and over to the tune of Stars and Stripes Forever, all the while Lee trying to shield her ears from the treacherous name.

"I'm not listening!"

"True love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!"

"Nobody's hearin' nothing!"

As May chased Lee around with her "Kevin" song, Eddy picked up the heaviest book he could find, got onto Ed's shoulders, and dropped the book on the floor.

The thud expelled all noise and movement from the trailer, allowing Eddy the chance to speak. "This is Double D's true love; if you heal her, she'll stop Kevin's wedding!"

Lee approached the table. "Wait, I make her better, and Kevin will suffer?"

Eddy nodded. "Humiliations galore."

Lee clapped. " _That_ is a noble cause! Gimme the 65; I'm on the job!" She picked up the fallen book and disappeared into the back room with May, all the while singing William Tell's Overture.

* * *

The girls returned at around 5:00, an hour before the wedding was due to start. They brought out supplies for a "resurrection pill" as Lee called it and set to work making it.

Starting with a sycamore seed, the sisters applied five layers of different quick-drying potions before painting it with melted chocolate.

Eddy gazed perplexedly at the sisters' work. "That's a miracle pill?"

May nodded. "The chocolate coating helps it go down easier." She added some powder to a paper bag, and Lee dropped the pill into it. "Now, you have to wait 15 minutes for full potency." It was 5:15 at that point. "And don't let her go swimming for at least..."

Lee finished May's sentence. "An hour."

"Yeah, an hour."

"A good hour." Lee shook the bag to coat the pill in the powder. "Here."

Eddy took the bag, gave the girls the money, and waved goodbye. "Thanks for everything."

Ed picked up Marie, and May escorted the boys out of the trailer. "Bye-bye, boys!"

Lee saw the boys off. "Have fun storming the fortress!"

May whispered to Lee. "Do you think it'll work?"

Lee whispered to May. "It would take a miracle."

The two waved at the disappearing boys. "Bye!"


	19. Back to Life

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Eighteen

* * *

Ed and Eddy reached the fortress at around 5:30. They hid themselves in a nearby balcony overlooking the fortress gate to assess the situation.

Ed noticed something different at the gate. "Eddy, there's more than 30."

"What's the difference?" Eddy pointed out Marie, draped over Ed's shoulder. "We've got her." He lowered her against the wall. "Help me here. We'll have to force-feed her."

"Has it been 15 minutes?"

It had been, but neither of them checked. "We can't wait; the wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back and open his mouth."

Ed complied, and Eddy removed the pill from the pouch and slid it down Marie's throat.

Ed released Marie. "How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?"

Eddy shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."

Eddy sentence was punctuated by Marie's eyes snapping open and darting back and forth. "I beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!"

Ed clapped a hand over Marie's mouth. "I guess not very long."

Marie took the action as a sign to stay quiet. "Why won't my arms move?"

"You've been mostly dead all day," Ed explained.

Marie was confused until Eddy clarified. "We had Dr. Lee and Dr. May make a pill to bring you back."

The apparent mention of her sisters sent a barrage of questions through Marie's head. "Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Edd?"

Ed waved. "I'm right here."

Eddy looked to him. "Not you; the _princess_ Edd."

Marie was surprised. "'Princess'?"

"Let me explain." Eddy started to do so until he realized... "No, there's too much; let me sum up. Double D is going to marry Kevin in a little less than half an hour. What we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, and make our escape after I kill Count Rolf.

Marie thumped her thumb on her arm. "That doesn't leave much time for dillydally."

Ed noticed this. "You just wiggled your thumb! That's wonderful!"

"I've always been a quick healer." Marie looked back to Eddy. "What are our liabilities?"

Eddy pointed over the wall. "There's only one working fortress entrance." Eddy peered over the wall. "And it is guarded by..." he counted the rows and columns in the rectangular arrangement, "...60 men."

Marie pondered this. "And our assets?"

"Your brains, Ed's strength, and my weapons." Eddy thumbed the backpack over his shoulder.

"That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this?" Marie shook her head.

Ed was quick to point this out."You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?"

Marie turned to Ed with incredulity. "My brains, his weapons, and your strength against 60 men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm?" Ed tried not to laugh, succeeding with Marie talking to herself. "I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something."

Eddy looked at Ed. "Where did we put that wheelbarrow that green-haired guy had?"

Ed tried to remember. "I left it over the green-haired guy, I think."

Marie couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?"

Eddy gave an apologetic shrug.

Marie slumped her head back. "What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak."

Eddy shrugged. "There we can't help you."

Ed whipped out a black garment from under his jacket. "Would this do?"

Marie and Eddy were both surprised. "Where'd you get that?"

"At Dr. Lee's. It fit so nice, and Dr. May said I could keep it."

Marie shrugged off the surprising facility of the acquisition of the equipment necessary for the fortress onslaught. "Alright, alright. Come on; help me up." Eddy and Ed lifted Marie by the shoulders. _"_ Now, I'll need a weapon eventually."

Eddy was confused. "Why? You can't even lift one."

"True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?" Ed grabbed Marie's slumping head. "Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside."

Eddy nodded. "I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?"

Ed laid Marie's head into his chest. "Don't pester her; she's had a hard day."

Eddy took a calming breath. "Right. Sorry."

Ed moved Marie's head up and down before they headed off to put the plan together.

"Eddy?"

"Yeah?"

"I hope we win."

"Me too, Ed."


	20. Wedding

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Nineteen

* * *

"You don't seem excited, my little muffet." Kevin put the finishing touches on Edd's wedding gown.

"Should I be?" Edd grimaced as he looked in the mirror.

"Brides often are, I'm told." Kevin stepped back to admire his work.

Edd stood up and turned to face Kevin. "I do not marry tonight; my Marie will save me."

The two headed off to the waiting cathedral.

* * *

By 6:00, the sun had set, and the wedding had started. Eddy, Ed, and Marie hid out of sight, poised to launch their attack on the fortress.

In the cathedral, Kevin and Edd were knelt at the altar. Clergyman Jimmy beckoned them to rise and waited for the organ music to close before speaking.

"Mererge. Mererge ers whert bernks erss tergerder terder. Mererge, dert berserd errerngmernt, dert derem werfern er derem,-"

Sounds from outside silenced the clergyman. "Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground!"

Colonel van Bartonschmeer held the fortress door closed as the soldiers trembled with fear. "Stand your ground!"

A dark figure in a holocaust cloak threw the wooden gates open in front of him. "I AM THE DREAD PILOT ROBERTS!" He drew nearer to the waiting army. "THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS!"

Eddy was pushing Ed forward in the wheelbarrow with Marie clinging to his shoulders. "Now?"

Marie shook her head. "Not yet."

Ed continued shouting to the crowd. "MY MEN ARE HERE! I AM HERE! BUT SOON, YOU WILL NOT BE HERE!"

"Now?" Eddy asked again.

Marie nodded. "Light him."

Eddy flicked a lighter and touched it to Ed's cloak, sending flames roaring up around him.

"THE DREAD PILOT ROBERTS TAKES NO SURVIVORS! ALL YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!"

* * *

Clergyman Jimmy had continued the wedding. "Dern rerv, trer rerv, rer ferrer yer fererver,..."

Kevin signaled for Rolf to leave, and Rolf headed off with four guards in tow to ward away anyone who got into the fortress.

* * *

"THE DREAD PILOT ROBERTS IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!"

All the soldiers scrambled away from the fortress, Colonel van Bartonschmeer fighting to keep them where they were. "Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!"

* * *

"Ser trersher yer rerv,-"

"Skip to the end," Kevin ordered.

"Herv yer der rink?"

Kevin brought Edd's hand up and slipped the ring onto his finger.

"Here comes my Marie now," Edd whispered to Kevin.

* * *

"GET THE DOOR!" Eddy screamed.

Ed grabbed the closing fortress door, holding them open, allowing Eddy to get Marie inside.

* * *

"Your Marie is dead;" Kevin whispered to Edd, "I killed her myself."

"Then why is there fear behind your eyes?" Edd whispered back.

* * *

Colonel van Bartonschmeer stood with her back to the second door, guarded by a password.

Marie glared at Nazz. "Give us the password."

Nazz's eyes darted around at the trio. "I have no password."

Eddy saw right through her lie. "Ed, tear her arms off."

Nazz reached for the keypad. "Wait, I think I remember it." 6299.

* * *

"Ernd der yer, Perncerss Deredere,-"

"'Man and wife'! Say 'man and wife'!" Kevin hissed through his teeth at Clergyman Jimmy, anxious to investigate the disturbance that had evidently not been quelled.

"Mern ernd wirfe."

Kevin tossed Edd at his parents. "Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite; I'll be there shortly." He ran off to the breached fortress entrance.

Edd left with the king and queen. "She didn't come..."

* * *

Eddy walked slowly through the corridors of the fortress, his brother's wooden shoes overtop his own. He had saved them specifically so he could wear them when he killed the size-16'd man that killed his brother. Ed trailed behind with Marie in his arms.

As they rounded a corner, five armed men appeared from the other end of the hall. The leader was wearing size 16 shoes, none other than Count Rolf.

Eddy stared into Rolf's eyes, his hands reaching into his knapsack as a smile slowly spread across his face.

Rolf noticed this strange behavior, as well as the overly large and strangely familiar clogs being worn by him. "Kill the goth girl and the giant, but leave the short one for questioning."

The guards proceeded to charge past Eddy, who took all four of them out with his two fencing swords in five seconds flat without ever breaking his gaze into Rolf's eyes.

Rolf was astonished at what he had just witnessed, his lips silently and invisibly shaping the sentence "Who are you?".

The unasked question was answered by the sentence that Eddy had waited 20 years to say, Marie saying it to herself as it was spoken by Eddy.

"Hello. My name is Eddy McGee. You killed my brother. Prepare to die."


	21. Revenge

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Twenty

* * *

The two men stood in the corridor with eyes locked as Eddy raised his swords, ready to fend off any attacks that Rolf could throw forward.

Five seconds of silence passed.

And Rolf turned around and ran down the corridor.

Undeterred, Eddy took off down the hall, the wooden shoes on his feet clomping loudly as he ran.

Dazed and confused, Rolf entered the first door he came to and locked it behind him.

Eddy ran up against the door trying to open it, but it was no use. "ED!" he called down the corridor. "ED, I NEED YOU!"

Ed was still holding the still limp Marie. "I can't leave her alone!"

"HE'S GETTING AWAY FROM ME, ED! PLEASE! EEEEEEDDDDDD!"

Thinking fast, Ed propped Marie against the back of a niche in the wall, moving a body on the floor in position to stabilize her. "I'll be right back."

Marie nodded, careful not to disturb her precarious position.

Ed followed the sounds of Eddy banging against the door, and upon reaching the locked door, pushed it off its latch with his bare hand.

"Thank you." Eddy took off through the door after the Count.

* * *

Unaware of the events transpiring below them, the king and queen were escorting Edd to the honeymoon suite.

"Strange wedding," the king mused.

His wife nodded. "Yes, a very strange wedding." She opened the door for her husband. "Come along."

Edd took the stairs ahead of them before the king so he could kiss his cheek.

The king was surprised. "What was that for?"

Edd sighed. "Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite."

"Won't that be nice?" The king called to his wife. "She kissed me!"

* * *

Rolf knew the layout of the fortress and was running the most convoluted route he could think up on the spot. Unfortunately, he could still hear the sound of Eddy's wooden shoes following him everywhere he went.

* * *

At the same time, Ed had returned to collect Marie and help her find Edd. But she wasn't anywhere to be found where he left her, and one of the fallen soldiers was missing their weapon.

* * *

"What do you have to say for yourself, Colonel?!"

"They wouldn't stay and fight, Kev! I'm sorry!"

Kevin huffed in frustration. "Go find those soldiers and have them assigned remedial training. I'm heading back inside to see that the princess remains safe."

* * *

Realizing he wouldn't shake Eddy off his trail, Rolf decided to lure him to the ballroom. He brought a sickle from his belt, he ran backward into the ballroom until he saw Eddy running down the stairs, at which point he threw the sickle at Eddy, which nailed him in the chest.

Eddy froze in place and staggered backward into the stairs. "I'm sorry, bro." His breathing started shaking. "I tried. ... I tried."

Rolf sat down on the edge of the pool table. "You must be that little Dutch boy Rolf taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing Rolf your whole life only to fail now? Rolf thinks that's the worst thing he has ever heard." A smirk crossed his face. "How marvelous."

* * *

Edd reached the honeymoon suite, and the king and queen left in search of their son, granting Edd privacy. He sat down at the desk under the window and searched through the drawers until he found Kevin's handgun.

He checked that it was loaded, released the safety, pulled the hammer back, slid the barrel into his mouth,-

"There's a shortage of perfect tongues in the world;" Edd whipped his head toward the voice he heard, "it'd be a pity to damage yours."

Edd dropped the gun and ran for the bed. "Marie! Oh, Marie, darling!" Edd wrapped his arms around his true love. "Marie, won't you hold me?"

"Gently." Marie was wary about her still progressing recovery.

"At a time like this, that's all you can think to say? 'Gently'?"

"Gently!" Marie squeaked as Edd squeezed tighter, prompting him to release.

* * *

Eddy grabbed onto the rocky wall and hoisted himself up to his feet, surprising Rolf with his strained efforts. "Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday."

Rolf drew a sword and made a thrust at the sickle still embedded in Eddy's chest, who smacked the sword down to his left thigh.

Rolf made another thrust at the sickle, but Eddy smacked it down again, this time into his right knee.

The swords clanged together, and Eddy managed to balance himself.

"Hello. My name is Eddy McGee. You killed my brother. Prepare to die."

The swords continued banging against each other.

" _Hello. My name is Eddy McGee. You killed my brother. Prepare to die._ "

Rolf was pushed back against and along the dining table.

" _Hello! My name is Eddy McGee! You killed my brother! Prepare to die!_ "

"Stop saying that!"

Eddy dodged three swipes, between each he jabbed Rolf's left thigh, then his right knee, and then pushed him back into a corner.

" _HELLO! MY NAME IS EDDY MCGEE! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! PREPARE TO DIE!_ "

Rolf tripped over a stool, and Eddy forced him to lie face down, whereupon he thrust his foot atop Rolf's head. "Offer me money!"

"Yes!" Rolf wheezed as his skull cracked.

"Power, too! Promise me that!" Eddy flipped Rolf over.

"All that Rolf has and more! Please!"

Eddy reached for the sickle in his chest. "Offer me everything I ask for!"

"Anything you want!" Rolf made a move to sit up.

Eddy beat the sword out of Rolf's hand, plucked the sickle from his chest, and punted Rolf against the wall.

He pushed his face into Rolf's. "I want my brother back, you son of a shepherd!"

The sickle plunged into Rolf's heart, twisting as it did so.

Throwing Rolf's body to the floor, Eddy ripped off a piece of fabric from the dead Count's shirt and covered his own chest wound.

Spitting into the pool of blood on the floor, he trundled back along the corridors he had come through to find Ed again.


	22. Standoff

**The Princess Edd**  
Chapter Twenty-one

* * *

Edd stood on his knees above Marie. "Oh, Marie, will you ever forgive me?"

Marie gave a smile. "What hideous sin have you committed lately?"

"I got married. I didn't want to; it all happened so fast."

Marie's smile stayed put. "Never happened."

"What?"

"Never happened."

"But it did; I was there. The man with a retainer said 'man and wife'."

"Did you say 'I do'?"

Edd froze. "Er, no, we sort of skipped that part."

"Then you're not married; if you didn't say it, you didn't do it."

A wave of relief rushed over Edd until Marie spoke again.

"Wouldn't you agree, your Highness?"

Edd spun around to see Kevin standing in the doorway.

"A technicality that will shortly be remedied." He walked into the room. "But first things first." He picked up the gun Edd had dropped, prompting Edd to step away from the bed. "To the death!"

"No!" Marie shouted. "To the pain!"

Kevin stood there for a moment. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."

Marie didn't expect him to be. "I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon."

Kevin was shocked. "That may be the first time in my life a woman has dared insult me."

Marie shrugged. "It won't be the last. 'To the pain' means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then, your hands at the wrists. Next, your nose,-"

"And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight." He brought up his gun to shoot Marie, but was interrupted again.

"I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye..."

"...followed by my right eye, and then my ears; I understand! Let's get on with it!"

"WRONG! Your ears you keep, and I'll explain why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears." Marie's smile never dimmed. "That is what 'to the pain' means; it means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

A dead silence fell over the room, the only sound being the ticking of the clock on the mantle, which was approaching 6:30.

The silence was broken by Kevin. "I think you're bluffing."

Marie shrugged. "It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand." The clock reached 6:30. "Then again,... perhaps I have the strength after all." She slowly sat up, swung her legs around to the side of the bed, balanced on her feet, and pointed a rifle into Kevin's face. "Drop. Your. Gun."

Paralyzed in shock, Kevin complied.

Marie pointed to a chair in the room. "Have a seat."

Again, Kevin complied.

Marie kept the rifle pointed at Kevin. "Tie him up. Make it as tight as you'd like."

Edd found some rope in the desk drawer earlier, and he used it to tie Kevin to the chair. His arms were tied to the armrests, his legs tied to the front legs, his chest tied to the seat back, and his thighs tied to the seat. As an extra measure, he stuck clothespins to his nose and tongue before blindfolding him.

Eddy heard Kevin groaning in pain from the tight ropes and entered the room. "Where's Ed?"

Edd looked to the new arrival. "I'm right here."

Marie lowered her gun. "Not you; the _giant_ Ed."

"Oh, now I know who you're talking about."

Marie turned to Eddy. "I thought he was with you."

Eddy shook his head. "No."

"Well, in that case,..." Marie dropped the gun on the floor.

Eddy picked it up. "Help her."

Edd was confused. "Why does Marie need helping?"

"Because she has no strength."

" _I mew ith! I mew ou wer bwuthing! I mew fee_ wuth... bwuthing?"

Eddy had the gun barrel against Kevin's temple. "Should I dispatch him for you?"

Marie took a permanent marker from the drawer. "Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice." She proceeded to write I'M A COWARD on Kevin's chin before snapping a picture of him with Edd's phone. Kevin was powerless to stop her, as the chair was too heavy for him.

A voice from outside the window attracted the group's attention. "Eddy! Eddy, where are you?"

Marie locked the door before joining Edd and Eddy at the window. They saw Ed standing below them with four motorcycles. "There you are, Eddy! I found the prince's garage, and there they were: four motorcycles. And I thought, there were four of us, if we ever found Double D." He waved at the window. "Hi, Double D!"

Edd laughed and waved back.

"So, I took them with me, in case we bumped into each other. I guess we just did."

Eddy laughed. "Ed, you did something right."

"Don't worry; I won't let it go to my head." Ed held out his arms, which Edd jumped down into.

Ed caught Edd and signaled for Marie and Eddy to jump down, which they did, leaving Kevin trapped in the honeymoon suite with his cowardice.

As the group got on the motorcycles, Eddy turned to Marie. "You know, it's strange. I've been in the revenge business for so long, that... now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

Marie smiled. "Have you ever considered piloting? You'd make a wonderful addition to my crew."

Eddy nodded with interest.

"But first, we should probably head to Dr. Lee's to see if she can get your chest fixed."

Edd heard Marie's statement. "I suppose that would be a good idea."


	23. Epilogue

**The Princess Edd**  
Epilogue

* * *

The group rode to the Park-n-Flush Forest to have Dr. Lee examine Eddy's injuries. Ed led the way, Marie and Edd behind him, and Eddy bringing up the rear.

They reached the trailer, and the door opened as soon as they dismounted from their motorcycles. Dr. Lee stepped out, followed by Dr. May.

"So..." Dr. Lee leaned against the trailer door, "...I see the fortress storming was a success."

"Yep." Marie handed Eddy off to Dr. Lee. "We came over to have him treated for his injuries."

Lee could tell that Eddy had taken a hit to the heart. She looked to the rest of the group and saw Marie showing the picture she took of Kevin.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do for Shorty here."

Lee escorted Eddy into the trailer, while May stayed outside talking to Marie.

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

Marie looked at May. "You do look familiar."

"Didn't you work as a maid at one time for a man named Edd?"

"I did. Until my flight to Amsterdam was brought down by the Dread Pilot Roberts."

"I thought nobody ever survived his attacks."

"I managed to persuade him to let me join his crew."

Lee's voice in the trailer interrupted them. "Hey, May! I need your help in here!"

"I'm coming in with you." Marie followed May inside.

* * *

It was around midnight before Colonel van Bartonschmeer made it inside the honeymoon suite, where Kevin was tearfully pleading to be released.

As soon as she entered, all sense of belief left the fortress. "Dear God, what _is_ that thing?"

"Math?" Kevin turned toward the sound. "Ith thap buth?"

"Kevin, what's the meaning of this?" Nazz plucked the clothespin from Kevin's tongue.

"A woman in a suit kidnapped the princess and tied me up here!"

Nazz unclipped his nose. "Did you try to stop her?"

"I was about to kill her, but she forced me into this chair at gunpoint and then had the princess tie me up."

The blindfold had been off for two seconds before Nazz's face melted to disbelief. "Wow. You really are a coward."

"Who says I'm a coward?"

Nazz showed him a mirror. "Whoever wrote that on your chin."

Kevin was fluent in backward writing. "Why, that little - Wait 'til I get my hands on her! And this time, I'll make sure Rolf kills her!"

Nazz paused from untying the ropes. "Rolf's dead."

"What?!"

"We found his four guards dead in the corridor, and Rolf was found in the ballroom stabbed in the heart with a sickle." Nazz finished untying the ropes.

Kevin immediately jumped to his feet and ran for the door. "I'll find that witch if it's the last thing I do!"

* * *

By 3:00 AM, Eddy had been fully treated, and Marie had reunited with her sisters. Lee and May, both enamored by Eddy and Ed's efforts in the fortress onslaught, were won over by the two men. Marie led the group to Peach Creek City Airport to rejoin her crew after three long weeks.

They flew away to freedom. And as the dawn rose, the three couples knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over the Eds and the Kankers, and as they reached for each other,-

 _The father plucked the book from Uncle D's hands._

 _The bow was surprised. "What? What?"_

 _"Oh, it's kissing again; you don't want to hear that."_

 _The boy swallowed. "Well, maybe I don't mind so much."_

 _The father shrugged. "Okay." He handed the book back to Uncle D, who read the last paragraph of the book._

As they reached for each other, their lips fused together. Ed and May's kiss was wet and slobbery. Eddy and Lee's was tighter than a constrictor's coils. But in the safe privacy of the cockpit, Edd and Marie's kiss made history.

Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate and the most pure; this one left them all behind.

 **THE END**

* * *

Uncle D closed the book and checked the bedside clock. "Okay, I think you ought to go to sleep."

His nephew pulled up the covers. "Okay."

"Alright." Uncle D turned to Aunt Marie.

"Okay." Aunt Marie looked to Aunt May.

"Okay." Aunt May looked to Uncle Ed.

"Okay." Uncle Ed looked to the father.

"Alright." The father stood up to escort the visitors out the door.

His wife followed after him and waved to them. "So long."

Once they were all gone, Aunt Marie popped back in to retrieve the book that they left behind.

"Aunt Marie?" She turned to her nephew. "Maybe you and Uncle D and Aunt May and Uncle Ed can come over and read it again to me tomorrow?"

The purple-haired woman smiled and nodded. "As you wish."

With that, she turned out the light and followed her husband out the door.


	24. Author's Note

**Author's Addendum  
** A Message from E1craZ4life

* * *

Hey, guys. E1craZ4life here. If you're reading this, I'd just like to say thank you for reading all the way through this piece of writing. With that, I'd like to present the objectives I had in mind when I wrote this:

1.) For some time, I'd been itching to put a modernized twist on the Princess Bride. I wanted to see just how different the story could've been if it had taken place in the 20th or 21st century.

2.) Seeing the magnitude of KevEdd stories on the site was what prompted me to have the EEnE characters involved. I wrote this as a way of trolling the intolerably unavoidable KevEdd fanbase, hence the reason for having Kevin playing Humperdinck and Edd playing Buttercup. Marie playing Westley was a means of showing off my preferred ship: Eds + Kankers.

Casting the EEnE characters throughout the writing was the real challenge. It was a given that Ed would be Fezzik, and I wanted the end result to be all three Eds together; as Edd was the princess bride, that meant Eddy was to be Iñigo Montoya. Eddy's role meant that he was out to avenge the death of his brother, which brought up who would be Rügen. Going through all the necessities, it came to me that it was to be Rolf, who wears size 16 shoes in a world of size 6s. The shoe size detail meant that Eddy's brother was to be a shoemaker; a wooden shoe carver, I decided. The idea of wooden shoes led to Eddy being Dutch.

Jonny's casting as Vizzini was down to his breakdown at the end of the Big Picture Show. I couldn't see him fit for any other role on account of his typical behavior throughout the show.

I wanted to incorporate all of the EEnE characters in the story, which almost led me to cast Sarah and Jimmy as the miracle doctors, Nazz as the clergyman, Lee as the booer, and May as the albino assistant. Until I realized there was no one left to play Yellin, Humperdinck's chief enforcer. That's when I remembered that this writing was meant to flip off the KevEdd shippers, which prompted me to have Nat Goldberg for the role of the albino assistant. (In case you haven't figured out by now from the myriad of KevEdd stories involving him, he is the creation of c2ndy2c1d. And if any of you get the chance, tell them I said **_"F%*# YOU!"_** ) This in turn led me to cast Lee and May as the miracle doctors (allowing the opportunity to complete the full Eds + Kankers pairings), Nazz as Yellin (adding on to the fulfillment of the whole "to the pain" speech), Sarah as the booer (far from ancient, though), and Jimmy as the clergyman (speaking with an ermahgerd impediment).

Thinking about it now, I'm starting to wonder just how much "The Princess Bride" has influenced other works. I mean, the character casting may not be spot on here, but I'm a little surprised at how much I managed to accomplish at once with this project.

Anyway, that's all I got for you here; don't forget to leave a review and check out my take on a EEnE sequel, _The Kanker Conspiracy_. Peace out.


End file.
